Most people don’T make an idea for themselves of what sex is, they just recycle the views that are the most publicized. Hence the double standard. If I want to dress as a fish and my partner doesn’t want me to, I have as much as a problem as if I want to stick to vanilla sex and partner doesn’t want that.

@ Becka: I have been emailing with the woman who made the documentary “BDSM: It’s Not What You Think”, and she notes that she polled a bunch of people before making the documentary to see how graphic the movie ought to be. Apparently, they decided to go with a very G-rated approach, because they found that explicit BDSM imagery tends to close minds too quickly — even those of progressive outsiders. So right now I am wondering if I can talk about BDSM-related screwups, and bring some of those issues into the light, and yet do it in a relatively non-explicit way.

So maybe speaking openly and being willing to address some of the issues publicly (instead of hiding them) is something that’s called for.

(keep in mind that I lock my personal journal because I am worried about people’s perceptions; I’m aware of the hypocrisy here.)

I like your idea about posting on both vanilla and bdsm screwups.

BTW a post on the word vanilla might be interesting. As someone who might be called vanilla, I hate the word. Partly because it sounds boring and maybe derogatory (though I understand the need to cultivate an inside v. outside group, I think). But also because I feel like we should have learned by now that all these things occur on a spectrum. Maybe I’m not gay but I am queer. Maybe I’m into handcuffs and blindfolds but nothing else. Maybe there needs to be language to describe that spectrum rather than trying to draw a line in the sand. My sense is that the grey area is vast. Embracing it could be a useful strategy.